Human beings are terrified of being alone.
I find it very interesting. People are constantly trying to escape being alone. We surround ourselves with people- family, friends, husband, wives, children, crowds, bigger crowds, strangers. Anything to keep from being (gasp!) alone. I mean, I get it. If given the choice, you'd rather go to dinner with your husband/wife/kids/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/BFF than to be alone. I feel the same way sometimes. But, what if you want to see an art exhibit and no one is available to go with you? Will you skip it? Would you go hungry instead of having a sandwich solo? If so....why?
I'm single and don't have children, so spend a decent amount of time alone. Generally speaking, I'm perfectly okay with that. It seems to freak the shit out of everyone else, though. I'm an extrovert, to be sure. I love being around others, talking, sharing, socializing. But, I also like to be alone to recharge my batteries. I'll go to the movies or a museum alone. And of course, those of you who read my blog regularly know that I'm currently traveling throughout Europe for 3.5 months alone.
A part of me relishes doing things alone. When I'm alone, I can circle the parking lot 5 times waiting for the perfect parking spot to open up without judgement or park at the furthest spot to get some extra steps in my pedometer. I don't have to compromise and go to the restaurant I don't really like, but my friend/mom/boyfriend/cousin/coworker likes. I linger or dash when I want. I can see the movie I want to see and sit in the exact seat I want, no hushed negotiations in the darkened theater aisle about seating. Ahhh, it's the blissful freedom of no compromises!
I'm also comfortable eating in a restaurant alone, which I know makes some people super uncomfortable. I have a busy brain always thinking of a dozen things, so it's almost impossible to get bored. But I can also shut it off and relax, read, or people watch happily.
But despite my comfort at being alone, I on this trip, I've realized I have a few pet peeves and I've got to vent!
Pet Peeve #1 - "Only one?"
If I walk into a restaurant alone and say confidently with a smile "I'd like a table for dinner, please" the correct response is "Yes, ma'am, right this way." (or some derivation thereof).
The INCORRECT responses include:
"Just you?"
"A table for one?"
"Dining alone tonight, ma'am?"
"Will someone else be joining you?"
But above all of them, my LEAST favorite response is: "Only one?"
Only.
One.
Only one? Nothing like adding the word "only" to instantly assign value and importance to the quantity of people sitting at a table. Embedded in that sentence is judgement and value: more is better. Two is appropriate. Two is expected. Three or four is great and more than that is a party! But one? Can it be true? Can one person want to sit at a table and eat food? Make no mistake. "Only one?" is a value statement. Only signifies lacking, too few, not enough. Only one, frankly, is an asshole thing to say.
Pet Peeve #2 - Sad glances
There are few things more annoying than Little Miss Sad Glances. I am enjoying a nice meal and a glass of wine and looking around when I spot her. There's always (at least) one woman nearby nervously checking me out every 30 seconds. My very existence makes her so uncomfortable it actually disturbs her meal. Sometimes she even points me out to her companion, who will also look over. Interestingly, if it's a man, he usually smiles and has a look in his face that says "cool." But, if it's a woman, she also gives me sad glances. I'm not going to burst into flames, lady. I'm just gonna eat this sandwich and then resume my fabulous life....mmmkay? Thanks.
Pet Peeve #3 "You're my hero/so brave / I could never!"
Ahhhh, this one is the worst! I'm sitting in an awesome restaurant in Budapest, enjoying a glass of wine and a nice meal and two 20-something girls stop by and say "we just think you're SO brave to sit here and eat alone!" Her friend nods emphatically and says with a big smile, "SO, SO brave!" Derivations of this include the overly sympathetic smile and the random stop at my table to pay me a compliment. It's usually something like "I think it's awesome you'll go out to eat alone!" or "You're so brave!" with a big, reassuring smile. Sometimes they go a little further and remind me of why they don't do the same thing. "I could never!" or "I just don't think I could do that, I'd be too self-conscious!" or something along those lines.
The intent is to praise me, to make me feel better and to show me that they're so impressed. (SO, SO brave!) You're impressed I'm eating spaghetti? Well then you should see what I can do to a steak and baked potato! I'm eating food, like I've done successfully for about 31 years now. I don't need praise...now please get away from my table.
*******
I've got some dark news for you, folks. We all come in this world alone and we all leave it the same way. If you can't eat a sandwich alone without getting twitchy, you might want to reexamine some things.
I challenge you all to do 2 things:
1. Don't ever do anything I outlined above. It's rude. It's insensitive. You are projecting your uncomfortable shit onto the solo diner / movie watcher / museum goer. They're alone. They are comfortable. They rock. Move on with your day.
2. Try doing something alone! Actually, try 3 things. Because it takes some getting used to. But you'll find your solo groove, I promise!
- First, try a solo movie. That's super easy. It's dark, you have popcorn to munch on and you're not supposed to talk during the movie anyway. Go, enjoy the movie, then resume your life emboldened by your solo outing!
- Next, try going to a museum or art gallery by yourself. Linger when you want, race through a room full of art you hate, do whatever you want! Reassure yourself (as needed) by reminding yourself that no one knows if your husband/friend is just in the next room or at the last painting.
- And then one day, take a deep breath and go out to eat alone. Order a cocktail and your favorite meal.
- Try not to have your phone or iPad in your hand, getting on Facebook...because that's really avoiding being alone. Just sit back, enjoy your drink, enjoy your meal, look around and smile!
- If that's too much... go ahead and take a book, crossword puzzle or your Kindle and get lost in a good story. Before you know it, you might just look forward to solo meals where you can recharge in peace.
Life is too short to miss out on things because you’re scared of being alone. Take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and get out there!
And remember... I think you are SO, SO BRAVE!
